I don’t know why but whenever I hear or read something referring to Korean written in English (like romantizied for the sound) I have this instinct urge to get away from or cringe. It is like to be seen when I am supposed to hide. I know it doesn’t make sense and probably what I am writing is not gramatically corret either. But I don’t know how else I can express this very odd, weird experience.
whenever you join new website, blog or any sort of site using ID and password to use, they ask you describe/introduce yourself.
The easiest answer is to say my job, pharmacist. But that alone is not enough. It is not “catchy” enough. When you look others’ Twitter or any other profile, it consists of cathcy pharases or powerful keywords. Like creative designer, dreamer, something like that. I am none of it. If I were to describe how I look at myself, I wonder if I would get blocked because I am too “dark”. Nobody wants to be around someone who’s always dark, moody, cynical and sad. Well, I am not really sad per se. I don’t really know how to describe this feeling accurately. Depressed? Well, sort of. I think I want to be connected with other people. In deeper way, not just superficial way that saying hello, asking how they are doing and be silent from there because neither of us knew what else to talk about. But I understand that it takes time, energy and effort to build up a relationship where both or all of us, depending on how many people are in the relationship, feel safe and comfortable to share deepest worry, secret, concern, thoughts and feelings. And I have to remember not everyone wants to engage in those kind of conversation. It scares people. It scares me too. Maybe I should practice more how to engage in short, sweet and shallow conversation. I don’t use “shallow” as a negative connotation, but as a contrast to “deep” conversation. Something just I can do passing by. Without giving too much thought.
I also need to develop (or find, for god’s sake) my own catchy phrases and keywords. I don’t know….
According to the stat on WordPress, it has been 2 months since I posted anything here. I believe that.
I only visit this blog when I have nothing to do. It is not my prioirity. Am I okay with that? I don’t know.
Almost always, I come to this blog when I am working 11-7 shift at the local coffee shop. (And no, it is not glorious as you might imagine, like a indie coffee shop in NYC. No, it’s nothing like that)
You (or actually me,) might ask why I care when there is no one who reads and stuff. Well, that’s true. Unlike other blogs which is viewed and visited by thousands, no even millions in a given day, this is nothing. I get excited when someone, anyone, even visited this blog whether it is by mistake.
I am full of contrary. I want to be alone yet feel lonely when people are away from me. I want to go to the party or other outings but I dread it. I write the most personal thing on the website, which is irony because it I don’t want anyone to read this, I shouldn’t post on the public access. Yet, I do it because yes, I want people to read. I want people to react to my jibbery writing, say something. If that’s good thing, I would get ego boost for, I don’t know, couple seconds? If it is bad, I loathe and beat myself up, do whatever you can imagine that is considered as “bad”.
I really don’t know. I really don’t know what I want, it is a coward answer, I know. I’m trying to not to bear responsibility. But when I do bear responsibility, nothing different happens.
I am tired. I am tired of myself.
heard from my stepmom about what happend to them on Monday night.
Close to their closing time, their old-time patron came in group. My stepmom recognized them and approached them to take order. Then one of the guy sprayed hot pepper spray all over her, directly to her face. My dad heard the sound and came up, and apparently one of them hit him with hockey stick. He got some bruise and scar on his head. They promptly called RCMP. That’s all I heard. Yesterday they went to the station to write up the statement. I don’t know if they are going to get out anything, thank god they are not injured seriously. His scar on his head wasn’t too serious so they didn’t do any stiching. She got some corticosteroid cream to apply on her face for swelling and rash. She told me that her body was burning depiste taking cold shower.
Then I messaged her today, asking how she is doing and that sort of things. I also asked her how the business has been these days. She said that sales has been declining consistently. She thinks that people’s income hasn’t changed when the price for living necessity has been increased steadily. So people are not spending as much as they did. As far as I know, he has big amount of bank loan that he took to cover the audit back in April. He was waiting to get GST return so he can pay off that loan, but apparently his accountant hasn’t given him any answer one way or another.
If only I had lots, lots of money to give them so they can sell (or just leave) that business and start something new, anything.
And at this moment, I’m worrying about my money. Well, I don’t know if I can call it as mine. But the transaction happened between me and him. I’m worried that I might not get those back. And my bank account is dwindling. Well, that might be exaggeration. But it feels like it. I want to build wealth. I want to have many trelling zeros in my bank account. High credit score. I don’t want to worry about big spending. I don’t want them to live off 5 hours away from so-called “town”. I don’t want them to worry about their security and safety. I wish I could ease their financial burden. I wish I could ease my financial burden, for god sake.
Finally sat down and did some brush pen drills practice.
You will notice that my upperstroke is very jittery, trembling and unstable.
Well you have to lift off the pressure to create thin stroke so that’s what my attempt looks like.
I tempted to blme my pen not being Tombow dual brush pens, which many people’s favourite tools, but I quickly realized that it is just lack of consistent practice.
Today (May 12) is my birthday.
I was scheduled to work. It’s not that it bothers me. I’m just stating the fact. Actually I was glad to work 9-5 shift instead of 11-7. To me, that’s the best gift I can get.
Anyway, leading towards to my birthday, I have had this thought that I’m already 26 and don’t feel like I accomplished anything.
Well, maybe not anything. I do not have any romantic relationship. I never have. and my classmates and even my sister has boyfriend.
Other friends of mine in Korea already got married, engaged or something like that.
When I say that I feel old, then my other friends who are wiser in life would say that I’m still young. So I feel bad for saying that I feel old.
Without birthday, when I say I feel old, I will get rolled eye (literally and/or figuratively)
I wonder I began to think like this because one of my favourite Korean singers released her album. Her name is IU, and her real Korean name is same as mine (JiEun Lee). She is 2 years younger than me, much prettier, skinnier, and obviously great singer. I will put the link of her MV for her title song, Palette.
#1 Youtube Video : Music Video
#2 Youtube Video: The same song with English lyric translation
Basically in this song, she tells us her story about being 25, how different she is now compared to her first debut and still learning about herself.
I can’t really explain why but maybe her name same as mine feels like I have to measure up. and because I’m 2 years older, I should have accomplished, or at least as pretty as she is. (Side note: there are some unspoken rule in Korean culture that any elder should be better than their younger peers. It’s like age being hierarchy.)
When you listen to others songs in her new album, you can quickly realize how talented she is. She have collaborated many other musicians who are well-respected and looked upon.
But here I am, the only thing resembles is the name, which is very common name in Korea. I’m not pretty as she is, not slim enough as she is.
At the same time, I try to remind myself that she has many people around her to help her. Like she would likely have makeup artist, stylist for her clothes, personal and vocal trainer, and so on. But I just can’t stop thinking that every aspect she is better than me.
I just wanted to document my thought.
Today(May 2) marks day 49 since my grandma passing. I still have hard time saying the “D word”. I still can’t refer her at past tense. I just say she is no longer with us. As if saying that would open the chance she might come back. Although I know that is very, very unlikely but I still dream about it.
I wish I recorded some audio or better yet video of her. I wish I could listen and watch her once again. I am mad that I can’t even remember how she sounded. How she smelled. How her touches feel like. Oh my gosh I already refer her in past tense.
So I just realized somewhat weird tendency I keep going.
I get to read lots of book review, movie review, et cetra. I quickly skimmed through the article (I will admit, sometimes I just see the screenshot they took or the picture of the book.) and I just opened another tab, go to my library website and search for it and request a hold. Or I go to Amazon, search for it, and put it on my wish list. More often than not, I have access to books and movies. so I checked them out and never opened it.
It’s not like I don’t time for it. Quite opposite, I do tend to remember those things when I’m off. But it is more like resistance. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it why that is. I still can’t explain clearly. But this thought made a trip to my mind today.
Maybe I’m afraid to invest time and in the end not liking the way it was reviewed by someone else. Maybe I’m afraid that I would hate the book/movie and left with spent time that I can never get back. Maybe I’m afraid I would fall too hard, become obsessed with it. Maybe I don’t want to risk disappointment. Something along the line.
I realized that I just repeated same thing over and over again. That’s a sign that I don’t quite fully understand what I am struggling with. But I thought I would write this so later I would scratch my head and trying to remember what I was thinking. And that wouldn’t result in a good way. that I know.